Being a dating gimp

Ive been a single man now for over two years and I've had the most shitty luck with finding a girlfriend or even the dating thing at all. I admit that some of the reasons why I don't have a girlfriend are my own fault because I'm shy at first and as meg would say just an overall pussy when it comes to talking to girls. Even when I did have a girlfriend, I've only had 2 since I've been single, they were crazy. I'm talking one was certifiable. Here's the thing, I have some of the most beautiful, awesome female friends in the world and have many of them. It's like all the girls want to be friends with the cute guy in the wheelchair. They all talk about how awesome I am and how much fun it is to be around me and how I motivate them and blah, blah, blah. Yet, if I tried to make something more out of it than just these friendships I get shot down faster than Osama bin laden being raided by the SeAL theam. I'm not saying I want to date every female friend I have but there has been a few that I thought would make a great girlfriend. So ladies, why is this? Why do the girls want to be friends with the gimp but nothing more? I think it's because those women are all shallow. The thing is, I get it. I get the reason why they are like that because I'm the same way. It's all a catch 22 for me. See, I'm a shallow, narcissistic, man when it comes to what I am looking for in a date. First of all, I don't think I could be with someone who was as gimped as me. I know that sounds cruel but think about it. How the hell are two gimps gonna fuck? I'm pretty immobile and if the girl was too we would look like to beached whales flopping around trying to get back to the ocean. I also can't have a super fat girl for some of the same reasons. I know fat girls need love too but I'm fragile and can't have big Bertha squeezing the air out of me! And before you all say it, I know a relationship is more than just sex but by gosh I like getting laid and if I'm gonna commit to a girl I at least want to have a good sex life. I've already done the married thing with no sex. It sucks donkey dicks! So I'm going to end with an open ended question. What should I do? Lower my standards? Go forth with the crazies? Something else? Your dysfunctional, horny, single, gimp!

PWU

You all have to excuse my friend meg. She is still stuck with thinking having a crack berry is a cool thing while the rest of us are living with our Apple bliss! Now, for the topic at hand. She was talking about bad acting in porn. Though we often disagree on most things she is completely right on this subject. Personally, I think they should just skip any plots at all and just go straight to the fucking. After all, no man wants to be trying to jack-off with one hand while hunting the remote to fast- forward with the other! We just want raw, hard core sex. Usually it's just a way for us to squeeze one out and be done. For the sake of the women reading that want a story line though we do need a revolution. That is why I'm proposing we start porno watchers unite PWU. If there is going to be acting going on at least find someone that can act. The biggest issue of all of this is if women would be doing their damn job in the bedroom than the guy wouldn't need the porn. And if the woman is the one needing the porn then she is either super fat or super ugly because women can get a man any day. If the woman does have a man and she is still worried about the porn then her priorities are fucked up to start with. She needs to be taking care of her man in the bed and fixing his sandwiches! Right meg?

My retard friend

Hi, my name is Tim and I'm the one super gimp of this duo. As meg has said, we are closer than a blind man with his seeing eye dog! I will be posting blogs somedays based on my stories from the day and other days will be telling stories of past events and things worthy of a comedy movie! For now I'm going to end with my new nickname "the program". So all you ladies need to get with the program. Stayed tuned for my next few blogs about a gimp in Vegas and wheelchair curb jumping in Nashville! Dysfunctional!

We Suck!

Ok, so I set this up a week ago, and this is the first opportunity I have had to post anything. Since we are such slackers, I figured I would do a brief intro.

My name is Meg and I am the co-author of this blog aong with Super-Gimp, Tim.  We are accountants by choice, and ninjas by birth. Not really, but that sounds much better than: I'm an uber bitch, and he is an inbred pansy.

We actually went to college together but only became friends once we started working together. We were attracted to each other's  friendship like Charlie Sheen is attracted to coke. We have a sick need for each other, and most people do not understand it. We are verbally abusive, full of love, full of emotion, and we share the desire to laugh until we piss our pants.

While we used to spend every day together, now we see each other so rarely, a reunion is as cherished as an STD-free hooker. This blog is a way for us to share our lives with each other and with you. Because this shit is hilarious, y'all.