Friday, May 10, 2013

He's NOT My Dom

Well, you know, we suck. Tim's been sick. Again. And I. Well, there's no excuse for me. I've been busy. And I've been doing the same shit I was doing before. Except it hasn't been as funny. 

Everyone around me is ailing or is afflicted with some life threatening illness. Frankly, I'm tired of hearing stories about this relative in ICU, this one that is leaving the hospital under the care of hospice, etc. and then Tim gets sick on top of it?!? It's too much. Way too much. 

Soooo, I decided to take a trip. Visit a friend in Michigan. The usual "Meg needs to get away" type thing. The only difference is that this time, it was full of firsts. 

The first time I ever visited Michigan. The first time I went north and the weather was better than if I'd stayed home. The first time I made some awesome pork and actually ate some of it. The first time I ever flew to stay with someone I hadn't been sleeping with for a while. Firsts. It was a virgin voyage.

It was a trip much needed. It was a trip that allowed me to forget my stress for like 36 hours. That may not sound like much, but let me tell you, for someone like me, to get 36 hours of absolutely zero responsibility, I feel like a new woman. I feel like I spent a week at the spa, shopping for Manolo Blahniks, drinking cosmos, and driving a Bentley while recording my debut sex tape just for my fans around the world. 

To top it all off, the airline bumped me to first class so I had the whole side of my aisle to myself. I used the undersized pillow, reclined back, and started drooling. The last time I drooled in public, I was in a chair in the hallway of the hospital in plain sight of any passers-by. This time, my drool was a little more private. It was fantastic. 

This is a shout out to the Michigan version of Christian Grey (yeah, his idea for a nickname. Not mine. I would have called him fucktard or something endearing like that.) This is me thanking you for letting me have a weekend of peace and ultimate relaxation. It was nice to get away.

Your Ever Stressin' Meg

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Is (S)he Into Me?

Well, I dunno, but I think I might have some insight into some clues that will help you figure this out on your own. I've learned through experience. Situations that varied from long term casual to long term "oh my fucking god, my escape plan failed" to second dates that were never gonna happen. 

1. Has (s)he made the first move? Like did this person ask for your digits from a manhole while you were walking to Starbucks? Or was there a phone number request after pointless conversation about the insane amount of ugly people in the bar and how you two are the ONLY hot ones there?

2. So the phone number has been provided. And at this point, I'm assuming it wasn't a fake one to the local crisis hotline. (Yeah, I've done that. Quit judging me.) Has (s)he called? Texted? If this is a yes, at this point it should be apparent. They're in to something. Whether it is the need to taste your skin or to get to know your beauty on the inside is still up in the air. Don't rush. Sometimes letting them taste you and move on is the best for you. Don't be upset, thank your Freudian angel for saving your ass.

3. After the first date or five, has communication continued? Or did (s)he commit a total hump and dump? If you fell victim to an H&D, and you're still wondering if they're into you, stop. Please. For the love of god. Your friends are tired of listening to you make excuses for why another meet-up hasn't happened, and frankly, your time is better served practicing the art of underwater basket weaving. 

4. Does the communication include random texts about mushy shit? Or is it strictly limited to "I wanna jump your bones?" This is the point where you start to decide where shit is going. All that sentimental crap out of nowhere? Yeah, they want you for more than your O face. 

5. Do they pay attention to you by watching what you do, how you socialize, how you interact with others? Or are they spending time in public checking out their reflection in the window or checking out the ass on that ├╝ber hot bartender? If they're watching you, in tune with you, this is where you start to have fun. Start picking your nose. Lean over like you let out a massive fart. Do something totally unattractive. If they smile and move closer to smell your brand, you've got this shit on lockdown. Take them home right then and ravage them. 

Now, this list is nowhere near all inclusive. In fact, I doubt it is even helpful at all. But, for what it's worth, this is what I do. Not that I've had much success at anything lasting more than a few years. But whatever.