Thursday, February 28, 2013

I Got Smacked by Hundreds of Balls and My Knees are Bruised

Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm the assistant coach for my daughter's volleyball team and I was apparently the target for abuse. 

Last year, we had a team of not just beginners, but children who weren't exactly athletic. This year, still mostly beginners, but most are pretty good athletes. We have won more than double the games we have lost. 

It has been a fun season. And by fun, I mean that we haven't had too many emotional breakdowns on the court. These girls are pre-pubescent. They are hormonal. And one wrong move can send the whole team into tears. Crying is apparently a contagious as the bird flu if you're a ten year old female. 

I like to think of these coaching escapades as another notch in my "life skills" belt. It's a fine art and it takes fucking practice. If I can make it through the rest of the season with zero team dramedies*, I'm pretty sure I'm set to handle anything thrown my way. Wish me luck. 

*comedy-drama. I can't take credit for making this one up. 

Your Coach with Finesse,

Monday, February 25, 2013

Show me the money!

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how I could spend more time with Meg since I rarely ever get to see her anymore and really miss her. Yes,  I just said that and meant it so go fuck yourself if you are laughing at me. As Forrest Gump would say, "we go together like peas and carrots" and things just feel normal for me when she's around. Well I think I have figured out the most perfect plan for this to work out for the both of us. First of all let me say a couple things about meg, one she loves money and two she loves sex, I would even dare say that I may have those out of order even. She makes no excuses or tries to hide the fact that she loves getting laid. I think she gets humped more than half the camels in Iraq but I couldn't say for sure. She also has let it be know that she is ok with just casual, don't know your name or where you're from, one night stand sexcapades. I'm talking no strings attached kind of shit.  Ok, now that we have the set up here is my plan. I think we should move to Vegas and Meg become an escort. It's win win for her. I mean think about it, she likes getting ram rodded quite often just to be getting it and she likes money!  Hell, if I were her I would have been charging long ago. Fuck giving it out that easy for free, and based on my prior blog we all know what kind of money those girls make!!  Now for the part where I come in. Every call girl needs a pimp. It's just how the game is played. Bitches got to be kept in check!  In all reality I'd be a nice pimp who is really a pussy and is just along to have my bestie for a room mate and could g play blackjack any time I wanted to. Plus the air is better there so it's win win for me too.  Better air and happy times.

I've yet to run this idea by Meg yet but I'm sure she is going to think I'm an absolute genius for thinking this up. Gosh I love it when a great plan works out!

Friday, February 22, 2013

What happens in Vegas........

Since I haven't wrote anything in a while I thought I would tell a story from my last trip to Vegas last April. This is what you are succumb to since all I do is sit at home half naked everyday eating Reece's  or little Debbie cakes watching reruns of cops just to feel better about my self. I'm sure you don't wanna read that over and over. Although I know your drooling over thoughts of me being naked!  Anyways, back to my Vegas story. We always hear the "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" and how people do things they would normally not do but rarely do you meet someone who has actually went and done those things you see on tv. Well I'm not normal as we all know so I jumped in head first. Our first night there set up the entire reason I was able to do what I did later on. After getting settled in for the night and having supper we sat down at a blackjack table to do a little playing before calling it a night. I started out with $200 in chips and was just betting the minimum $15 bet per play to start with. Suddenly I hat a hot streak after three hours walked away with $1,500 in my pocket.

Ok now to the main story. If you've never been to Vegas let me explain a little of what goes on. Out on the street corners are people mostly Hispanic with decks of cards probably thousands of them that they are handing out to anyone who takes them and on these cards are naked chicks with phone number to call. Now a lot of people think prostitution is legal in Vegas but this isn't true. So anyways after being here for 4 days and being harassed by my best friend everyday that I should call one because I've not been laid since dinasors roamed the earth I finally built up the courage to do it.  I went through a stack of cards that I had collected over the week and found the hottest girl I'd ever seen on it and called the number. Now I know how they get around not getting in trouble with the law. When you call the call goes to a call center and the person simply answers the phone "hello". I told them I had a card and was interested in the persons name on the card. They tell me that it would be $150 for the escort fee and anything else we work out is strictly between me and the "escort". She takes my hotel room number and calls my room phone to make sure it was actually me and then says the girl will be there in about 20 minutes. So now at this point I'm more nervous than a hooker in a monastery so I take some Xanax to calm my nerves. Big mistake for later on!  As time keeps going by I start freaking out more and more thinking no way is it gonna be this hot girl. Probably gonna be some crack whore or something. All I could think of was the worst and my best friend beard wasn't helping any. Finally thirty minutes later and we hear the door knock. Beard goes over and looks through peep hole and before he opens the door he looks at me with this OMG look on his face. We let the girl in and she is the hottest girl I've ever seen. Even better looking than the girl on the card. I'm talking this girl was HOT!  So she comes in and sits down and things are a Lille weird to start with but she jumps right into asking what I want. She tells me she only works in $500 increments!  I was like holy shit this better be some gold plated pussy for $500 dollars but noooooooo. $500 only is a massage with a happy ending hand job. Got to go up to a grand for a BJ and $1,500 and up for actual sex. Now normally no one in their right mind would pay that kind of money. Well I'm not normal and this is Vegas. Since I still had the grand from my first night winnings I though a BJ from the hottest girl I've ever been next to naked would be awesome. I mean she is a hooker for Pete's sake so I'm sure she is amazing at it. We agree on that and then it's on. She helps me get my shorts off and then puts on a condom. Now I don't know about y'all but getting a BJ through a condom is about like going to the fair and only riding the kiddie rides. You could have a little fun but its so much better on the big boy rides!!  Now not only does she put the condom on me but she does so before I'm even hard and then she just goes straight down on me. No foreplay, no helping me get it up, no foundling my balls, nothing. Now remember I took the Xanax earlier, well because of that and her lack of help I was having a hard time getting hard, but she just keeps going. I finally get the blood flowing down there and she proceeds to keep doing her thing. The problem was she SUCKED at it and not in a good way either. I've never had a BJ that was so bad. She apparently has no clue on how to suck a dick because it was baaaad. I basically had to help out just to finish the job and once done, nothing. She gets up gets dressed and says thanks and is gone just like that. As you can imagine I was devastated. Not because I just spent a grand on a BJ, but because this super hot hooker had no clue what she was doing.
So now you all know someone who has been there and done that in Vegas and can tell you it's not that good. Next time if I ever go back I'm gonna go for the $25 BJ from the street walker instead of a call girl!!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Warning! Level 5 Virgin Creeper! Stand Clear!

Tim, I know someone who is more scared of pussy than you. This guy met a lady on match dot com. They have been out like four or five times. This last time, she "jumped him." His words, not mine. 

Apparently they "made out for 30 minutes." Also his words. Now, I don't know about you guys, but for me, 30 minutes includes foreplay, *the act*, clean up, and sometimes a post-coital cigarette. If someone tried to make out with me for 30 minutes, either someone is getting naked, or I'm going home to B.O.B.  

Now, you may be thinking, "you can't get naked in public." Well, I don't make out in public so that would never be an issue. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than PDA. Whether I'm a bystander or participating. Take that shit elsewhere. I'm trying to enjoy a non-romantic binge of this triple layered chocolate cake topped with chocolate ice cream and hot fudge and you're trying to ruin it with cheesy sexual innuendos. Just stop. 

Anyway, back to my point. Old people who behave like virgin high schoolers. I think that was my point...

I'm thinking about how this chick probably thought it was all sweet that he wasn't being aggressive. Little does she know that it's not because he's a gentleman. It's because he's fucking terrified. Any person that claims they were "jumped" and didn't get naked is a person who is terrified of going further. 

Thoughts running through his mind?
"I'm sorry, but I can't make out with you any more tonight."
"But imma change my match profile to private 'cause shit just got serious."
"Does this mean we're getting married?"

When Butch and I were laughing at this and saying totally inappropriate things like, "I bet he takes some type of anti-Viagra," we realized that this is some serious shit. This poor girl. She's got a clinger... We are hoping they are perfect for each other. Really. 

And just FYI, in the case you were curious or in need. That shit is real. 
Www dot antiviagra dot com
You're welcome. 

Your Favorite Virgin,

Friday, February 8, 2013

I Can't Visit Tim Because I'm a Whore

No, really. It's true. He texted me last night asking what I was doing this weekend. I was all, "I'm going out of town and getting laid." Which is only partially true. 

I'm prepping to be out of town for the week. I'm leaving Sunday and hope to meet up with my current fling. Plus I have tons of shit to do before I leave. Tim is all, "you're such a slut. I hate you." Which, again, is only partially true. He doesn't actually hate me. Then he asked, "which one is this?" and I was appalled. Any true friend of mine should never have to ask that. They should be able to keep up with this shit. It's not like there are *that* many. 

He's just upset that he isn't getting laid. Which sucks, but I've tried to help him over and over again. When we'd go out, I'd point out chicks by title. We would see: "Most Likely to Give Head," "Most Likely to Vomit on the Bed," and even "Most Likely to be Submissive." 

I would pump him up by saying things like, "you're a sexy beast" or "just stick your dick in her mouth." Then I'd give him explicit instructions on what to say or how to act. Short of doing this for him, it would have gotten any man laid a dozen times over; however, Tim isn't just any man. 

He'd go fucking pansy on me. He'd be all, "I can't just fuck someone and never talk to them again." WTF? Are you even a male? Then he'd say things like "I have to get to know her first." Seriously, dude, go have that vagina surgically removed. It is hindering your sex life. 

I totally get fear of rejection. We all have it. It hurts our ego when we get denied. And it's easier for chicks. I totally understand. However, if you never try, you will never learn the dos and don'ts. Throw yourself out there a little. Have a little vulnerability. Become humble. 

Now, I say these things as I myself struggle with them too. So, I think we should all practice together. Let's all go out on a limb. Life will be more exciting. Let's all endure humility. 

Your Whore in the Making,