Friday, February 22, 2013

What happens in Vegas........

Since I haven't wrote anything in a while I thought I would tell a story from my last trip to Vegas last April. This is what you are succumb to since all I do is sit at home half naked everyday eating Reece's  or little Debbie cakes watching reruns of cops just to feel better about my self. I'm sure you don't wanna read that over and over. Although I know your drooling over thoughts of me being naked!  Anyways, back to my Vegas story. We always hear the "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" and how people do things they would normally not do but rarely do you meet someone who has actually went and done those things you see on tv. Well I'm not normal as we all know so I jumped in head first. Our first night there set up the entire reason I was able to do what I did later on. After getting settled in for the night and having supper we sat down at a blackjack table to do a little playing before calling it a night. I started out with $200 in chips and was just betting the minimum $15 bet per play to start with. Suddenly I hat a hot streak after three hours walked away with $1,500 in my pocket.

Ok now to the main story. If you've never been to Vegas let me explain a little of what goes on. Out on the street corners are people mostly Hispanic with decks of cards probably thousands of them that they are handing out to anyone who takes them and on these cards are naked chicks with phone number to call. Now a lot of people think prostitution is legal in Vegas but this isn't true. So anyways after being here for 4 days and being harassed by my best friend everyday that I should call one because I've not been laid since dinasors roamed the earth I finally built up the courage to do it.  I went through a stack of cards that I had collected over the week and found the hottest girl I'd ever seen on it and called the number. Now I know how they get around not getting in trouble with the law. When you call the call goes to a call center and the person simply answers the phone "hello". I told them I had a card and was interested in the persons name on the card. They tell me that it would be $150 for the escort fee and anything else we work out is strictly between me and the "escort". She takes my hotel room number and calls my room phone to make sure it was actually me and then says the girl will be there in about 20 minutes. So now at this point I'm more nervous than a hooker in a monastery so I take some Xanax to calm my nerves. Big mistake for later on!  As time keeps going by I start freaking out more and more thinking no way is it gonna be this hot girl. Probably gonna be some crack whore or something. All I could think of was the worst and my best friend beard wasn't helping any. Finally thirty minutes later and we hear the door knock. Beard goes over and looks through peep hole and before he opens the door he looks at me with this OMG look on his face. We let the girl in and she is the hottest girl I've ever seen. Even better looking than the girl on the card. I'm talking this girl was HOT!  So she comes in and sits down and things are a Lille weird to start with but she jumps right into asking what I want. She tells me she only works in $500 increments!  I was like holy shit this better be some gold plated pussy for $500 dollars but noooooooo. $500 only is a massage with a happy ending hand job. Got to go up to a grand for a BJ and $1,500 and up for actual sex. Now normally no one in their right mind would pay that kind of money. Well I'm not normal and this is Vegas. Since I still had the grand from my first night winnings I though a BJ from the hottest girl I've ever been next to naked would be awesome. I mean she is a hooker for Pete's sake so I'm sure she is amazing at it. We agree on that and then it's on. She helps me get my shorts off and then puts on a condom. Now I don't know about y'all but getting a BJ through a condom is about like going to the fair and only riding the kiddie rides. You could have a little fun but its so much better on the big boy rides!!  Now not only does she put the condom on me but she does so before I'm even hard and then she just goes straight down on me. No foreplay, no helping me get it up, no foundling my balls, nothing. Now remember I took the Xanax earlier, well because of that and her lack of help I was having a hard time getting hard, but she just keeps going. I finally get the blood flowing down there and she proceeds to keep doing her thing. The problem was she SUCKED at it and not in a good way either. I've never had a BJ that was so bad. She apparently has no clue on how to suck a dick because it was baaaad. I basically had to help out just to finish the job and once done, nothing. She gets up gets dressed and says thanks and is gone just like that. As you can imagine I was devastated. Not because I just spent a grand on a BJ, but because this super hot hooker had no clue what she was doing.
So now you all know someone who has been there and done that in Vegas and can tell you it's not that good. Next time if I ever go back I'm gonna go for the $25 BJ from the street walker instead of a call girl!!


  1. A hooker that sucks at giving head? Isn't that like the equivalen of an accountant that doesn't balance their checkbook?

    Tim, you should know better than anyone that just because someone has a title or some bullshit credentials doesn't necessarily speak to their level of expertise on any particular subject matter.

    You assumed that dice she was a hooker that he was good at head and you were too cheap to pay for anything else. You didn't bother to ask her what her "specialty" was. What if she were the best salad tosser ever?

    You might have missed out on something amazing because of your own presumptions.


  2. *equivalent
    *since, not dice
    *she, not he, but coulda been a he. It was Vegas after all

  3. That third typo makes up for any other typos my phone spews. That was just amazing.