Thursday, February 21, 2013

Warning! Level 5 Virgin Creeper! Stand Clear!

Tim, I know someone who is more scared of pussy than you. This guy met a lady on match dot com. They have been out like four or five times. This last time, she "jumped him." His words, not mine. 

Apparently they "made out for 30 minutes." Also his words. Now, I don't know about you guys, but for me, 30 minutes includes foreplay, *the act*, clean up, and sometimes a post-coital cigarette. If someone tried to make out with me for 30 minutes, either someone is getting naked, or I'm going home to B.O.B.  

Now, you may be thinking, "you can't get naked in public." Well, I don't make out in public so that would never be an issue. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than PDA. Whether I'm a bystander or participating. Take that shit elsewhere. I'm trying to enjoy a non-romantic binge of this triple layered chocolate cake topped with chocolate ice cream and hot fudge and you're trying to ruin it with cheesy sexual innuendos. Just stop. 

Anyway, back to my point. Old people who behave like virgin high schoolers. I think that was my point...

I'm thinking about how this chick probably thought it was all sweet that he wasn't being aggressive. Little does she know that it's not because he's a gentleman. It's because he's fucking terrified. Any person that claims they were "jumped" and didn't get naked is a person who is terrified of going further. 

Thoughts running through his mind?
"I'm sorry, but I can't make out with you any more tonight."
"But imma change my match profile to private 'cause shit just got serious."
"Does this mean we're getting married?"

When Butch and I were laughing at this and saying totally inappropriate things like, "I bet he takes some type of anti-Viagra," we realized that this is some serious shit. This poor girl. She's got a clinger... We are hoping they are perfect for each other. Really. 

And just FYI, in the case you were curious or in need. That shit is real. 
Www dot antiviagra dot com
You're welcome. 

Your Favorite Virgin,

No comments:

Post a Comment