Saturday, May 5, 2012

Being a dating gimp

Ive been a single man now for over two years and I've had the most shitty luck with finding a girlfriend or even the dating thing at all. I admit that some of the reasons why I don't have a girlfriend are my own fault because I'm shy at first and as meg would say just an overall pussy when it comes to talking to girls. Even when I did have a girlfriend, I've only had 2 since I've been single, they were crazy. I'm talking one was certifiable. Here's the thing, I have some of the most beautiful, awesome female friends in the world and have many of them. It's like all the girls want to be friends with the cute guy in the wheelchair. They all talk about how awesome I am and how much fun it is to be around me and how I motivate them and blah, blah, blah. Yet, if I tried to make something more out of it than just these friendships I get shot down faster than Osama bin laden being raided by the SeAL theam. I'm not saying I want to date every female friend I have but there has been a few that I thought would make a great girlfriend. So ladies, why is this? Why do the girls want to be friends with the gimp but nothing more? I think it's because those women are all shallow. The thing is, I get it. I get the reason why they are like that because I'm the same way. It's all a catch 22 for me. See, I'm a shallow, narcissistic, man when it comes to what I am looking for in a date. First of all, I don't think I could be with someone who was as gimped as me. I know that sounds cruel but think about it. How the hell are two gimps gonna fuck? I'm pretty immobile and if the girl was too we would look like to beached whales flopping around trying to get back to the ocean. I also can't have a super fat girl for some of the same reasons. I know fat girls need love too but I'm fragile and can't have big Bertha squeezing the air out of me! And before you all say it, I know a relationship is more than just sex but by gosh I like getting laid and if I'm gonna commit to a girl I at least want to have a good sex life. I've already done the married thing with no sex. It sucks donkey dicks! So I'm going to end with an open ended question. What should I do? Lower my standards? Go forth with the crazies? Something else? Your dysfunctional, horny, single, gimp!

1 comment:

  1. LMAO!!!! This was too funny. The two beached whales part was my favorite - Yelena