Friday, May 4, 2012
Warning: Serious Post Ahead
Ok, this is a serious post. You might want to skip to something light and airy. I swear to you, we will return to our regular programming soon. And once again, I tried to post from my phone and I thought it was much better than this version, but my phone friggin deleted the whole thing… I will never learn. Ten years ago today, I married a man that has and will forever continue to influence my life. While our marriage was rocky and ended tragically, it will always be the time that I look back and realize that for every bad, there were and are ten thousand greats. I was just beginning my third year of college when he died. I remember seeing all of the excited and enthusiastic minds surrounding me. I remember not being so enthusiastic. I had gone from a total social butterfly to the quiet girl in the back of the room. And I didn’t even care. I wasn’t bothered by my lack of optimism. I was purely going through the motions of life and responsibility. I was working, going to school, raising a toddler. That was all. I had plans for the future, but they were molded around survival, not life. Since then, I have regained some of my life. Most of it, in fact. I regained it because I look back at a person that even in death can show me that things are great and they always will be. I look at my daughter, who resembles her father a lot, and see the happiness and perkiness in her eyes. I see through her eyes that she sees a world untainted, a world filled with hope and joy. Her father was the kind of person that showed his emotions. Happy or sad. Frightened or mad. No matter what, he wasn’t scared to admit the feelings inside himself. I am trying to get there. As vulnerable as it makes me feel, or as scared as I get, I will be like that. I will try to feel, and love, and share, and dream. Better than I did before, because thinking back on him, I’m pretty sure I was doing it wrong. This post is my little homage to him. It is my brief memory of days that seemed so pure. Before I was tainted. Before I learned to love. Before I learned to hate. Those days, we taught each other. These days, he’s still teaching me.