Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Attack of the Vigilant Insects

When we went on vacation, we came back with souvenirs. Of course. But unfortunately they weren't limited to shells, taxidermied alligators, or baby sharks in formaldehyde. We also brought home some parasitic fucktards and I've been on a delousing rampage ever since. 

First off, I absolutely despise lice. But I've had to do tons of research on them simply because this is our second bout with my arch nemesis. Secondly, I've read that although they are a nuisance, they don't pose any health threats. That doesn't comfort me at all.  In fact, they still make me cry. 

I'm not sure of the source of the first round, but I'm sure that it cost me approximately 350 bucks to get rid of them. After about a month, one of Cheez's friends stayed the whole weekend with us and two days later that child was sent home due to lice. Cheez was also checked but they didn't see any. However, I knew. I knew those fuckers must be back. 

In the last week and a half, I have already spent another 100 trying to kill them. The last treatment made me think that even the insecticides aren't working anymore. I truly think these fuckers would survive a nuclear war along with the roaches. 

I've tried Nix, Rid, CVS generic, et. al. None of them seem to really kill them anymore. Or maybe it is just my imagination. However, I've used the insecticides at least eight times along with other home treatments. I've combed her hair over a dozen times. I've had friends with experience assist in the combing. I've sprayed the house, replaced pillows, vacuumed, sanitized. I've tried it all. 

And they are probably gone now, but I'm NOT going through this shit again. So, I've laid down some ground rules to prevent any future mishaps. 

1. Since they only like clean hair, all of Cheez's friends must be the smelly kids in class. 
2. They also despise hair products so she can choose friends from Toddlers in Tiaras or Jersey Shore. 
3. No more daily showers. We live in Alabama, so weekly bathing should be socially acceptable. 
4. All new friends will receive a questionnaire to take home to their parents. It will contain things such as, "do you color your daughter's hair?" and "your answering of this survey gives me permission to deny your child's entrance to my home upon a failed head inspection."
5. Ethnic or black friends are strongly encouraged because lice don't afflict them as often as white females. 
6. No brushing of hair while children are here. I don't want kids to think they can use our stuff. 
7. Sleepovers are limited to areas where there is no cloth. Sleeping on hardwood or tiled areas is permitted.
8. Kids without hair are welcome. In fact, some friend recruiting may happen at the cancer center. 

In the end, I think these rules will help my child be more diverse. It's like hardcore friend recruiting. Only the strong will survive.  I'm being a good parent. Quit judging me. 

Overall, I truly feel sorry for anyone that has to deal with this. It is time consuming, expensive, and just gross. They make me paranoid and itchy. Please do everything you can to prevent this from happening. And if your child gets lice, be a responsible parent and warn other parents that you have become infested. And don't send your child somewhere of they are infested.  Let's not spread the wealth. 

Your Lice Advice Giving,

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