Friday, September 21, 2012

The Lawn Guy Saw My Bush

I have this history, a very long history, of having a hatred for wearing clothes. Especially when I'm at home. I feel that clothes are a hindrance to my normal function. They restrict me, they don't allow my skin to breathe, and they poke me or squeeze me or itch. Clothes just suck.

When I moved to my second house, I didn't have roommates that would get upset if I wasn't dressed. It was just me and hubby and of course he didn't care. So when I first walked through the door, I started stripping down one article at a time so that when I made it to my room, I was ready for an old baggy tee at max. At a minimum, I would skip the tee altogether and let my flap jacks hang free. 

This tradition has continued without any hint of modesty. The only reason I hesitate now is more for the people that have to endure the pain of seeing my naked ass walk around with a phone in one hand and a bottle of Clorox in another than for my pure embarrassment. 

I wasn't even embarrassed the day I got locked out of my house wearing only a tank top and undies. I wasn't embarrassed the day my neighbor was standing at my door when I was cleaning in my favorite old pair of Victoria's Secret bikini style puppy dog prints. I was never embarrassed when I told my friends to wait at the door unless they wanted to see full frontal. Even the day Tim came to the door and I was wearing absolutely nothing, I wasn't phased. 

That all changed today. Maybe. I doubt it. 

Today, in a moment of intimacy. Just me being myself and naked as usual. Gator asked, "did someone just knock on the door?" I shrugged it off and headed toward the living room to grab his phone for him. 

Mind you, the front door is open so that a breeze can come through the screen. And as I walked around the corner from the hallway some guy was standing there. I screamed and ran to the room while flailing around like an epileptic child at a rave. 

All I could think was "he just saw me naked." "Who the fuck is he?" Gator went to talk to him and apparently explained that I was naked. Which is just so wrong. Why, Gator? Why?

The guy claims to have not seen anything. He was just wondering if we were looking for someone to mow the lawn. How fucking lucky is he? He walks up to a random house seeking work, and sees a naked MILF* standing in front of him. It might have seemed sexy if I hadn't screamed, "Stranger Danger."

*My opinion, not necessarily fact

All I can think about is the irony of a lawn guy seeing my bush. And Gator won't stop laughing. Men really are assholes.

Your Needing to Trim That Shit,

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